Have you heard the term ‘frustration tolerance’ before? If you have a small child or work with them, you certainly know all about children struggling with frustrating emotions. Frustration tolerance is the ability to work through a problem, breathe, and figure out a solution.
You see your child trying out a task and not be able to get it to work the way they want to. They get frustrated and ask for help. You oblige because you just hate to see them mad at themselves.
When you see a baby getting frustrated and crying, you want to jump to her rescue and give her that item she’s trying to reach for. When your toddler is working to solve a puzzle, we want the child to get it done and get it done right on the first go. If not, we jump in to fix it for them.
But what is the underlying message we are giving the child every time we do a task for them?
‘I can do it for you, faster than you can, more efficiently than you can.’
How do they learn to do something on their own if they always have help? How do they have a sense of accomplishment if they never go through the trial-and-error process while learning to do something.
The next time the child struggles with something, they’ll just get you to do it for them. That frustration tolerance will dissipate, and they won’t struggle to get to an answer. They will look for instant gratification, instant solutions and that doesn’t come easily and quickly, they won’t mind quitting.
How does that baby learn to move her body to get that item closer to her if you’ll just pass it to her? How does always doing something for your toddler help him when he gets to school and there are several children who need the educator’s attention?
So much in society is already done for us thanks to technology. We don’t need to know basic math because our devices have calculators, or we can just ask the question in the search bar. We don’t need spatial awareness or how to read maps, because Google and Apple have taken away that need. But for your children, where there’s an opportunity to learn frustration tolerance, we should give it to them.
Patience and persistence are two components we all need to deal with frustration, and a certain amount of both will help your child stick with a problem or challenge to find a solution.
At our Stapylton campus, educator Holly Medbury teaches Senior Kindy, where there’s a lot of focus on independence, self-help skills, regulating and becoming aware of emotions, and providing risky and challenging experiences for the children to enable critical thinking and problem-solving skills.
There’s a yard at Stapylton called ‘The Natural Yard’ which has a cubby house, two large tunnels, and a musical xylophone wall. It’s mostly just surrounded by beautiful nature, just for a change where they can explore their imagination.
“With the two tunnels we encourage two children at a time to climb up the tunnel and sit up the top, which is a big achievement,” Holly says. “This is a challenging/risky play task that we enforce and provide lots of praise, encouragement, strategies if they are struggling to climb up.
Here are some of Holly’s encouraging words she provides with experiences like this:
“You are doing so well! I can see it looks quite tricky, how else do you think you can get up there?”
“Have a look around you and see if there is anything that can help you.”
“You’re doing your best and I’m so proud of you! Maybe you could use your knees going up the tunnel, as I can see there is room for your knees which might make it easier?”
By teaching our children that we can try again and that it’s okay to not get it right away takes some modelling from a parent and educator perspective. By adults modelling frustration in tasks and trying again in front of our children, by saying, “Oh no! It’s not working for me. Let me try again,’ normalises frustration tolerance and tells them that they can try again too. Children with greater frustration tolerance have been shown to grow up to be happier and more successful.
So how do we teach children to be more patient and persistent when it comes to tasks?
Learning patience
It’s never too late to encourage your child to try more, do more for themselves, which in turn builds their self-confidence, trust in their own abilities, and sense of self-efficacy.
No matter your age, communication is an important skill. For pre-schoolers though, their ability to communicate and listen to instructions is a steep learning curve in their development. At times, it can be frustrating if an adult can’t understand what the child is saying or the child can’t use words to share what they mean. Learning effective communication is a crucial part of child development. During the preschool years, a child will have enough vocabulary to engage in simple conversations as well as share how they feel. To encourage positive communication with children, here are some powerful tips.
A preschool child will either share in detail what they know when re-sharing a story or they may only give basic information about the event. To keep the lines of communication open between a child and adult, rather than listen to respond, listen to understand. Your child wants to know you understand them, no matter how significant or insignificant the event may seem to you. It’s important that children feel free to speak as this can build their confidence and esteem when communicating. This can also be foundational to future conversations as the child gets older.
To help children feel more comfortable when communicating with you, bend so that you are at their eye level. This proactively shows you are listening to what they are saying and are paying attention. It also builds the connection between adults and children.
There will be times when challenging behaviour by the child will need to be addressed but it is important to deliver negative feedback in a way that leaves the child with a positive outlook. This is important for a child to experience as it prepares them for how they manage negative conversations in the future. Bending and speaking calmly to a child about their behaviour can help the child feel less intimidated so they can comprehend what is being said to them. Giving them some gentle guidance about how they could make a better choice next time helps them to feel positive about the interaction.
Communication is developed through expressing how one feels. When a child opens up about how they feel, they want to be acknowledged. Don’t dismiss what they share by saying ‘stop crying’, or ‘you’re being silly’. These can make the child feel invalidated and is a surefire way for them to conceal how they feel in the future. Crying is a human emotion and to a child, whatever they’re upset about is important to them. We want children to feel comfortable sharing their feelings and emotions. ‘It seems like you’re feeling really _____, that must feel hard.’
You could also show you’re curious about their emotions, which may open up the communication with your child. “You seem mad, I wonder why you’re feeling mad at mummy?’
Keep the lines of communication open by offering empathy. Respond with something like, ‘I want you to know you can share anything with me, I will love you no matter what. I’m here for you.’ This will help them share how they feel with no fear of judgement so they don’t feel unheard or misunderstood.
Children can say and do things that can provoke an emotional response from you. Positive communication with children relies a lot on how you control your emotions. Refrain from saying words that you may regret later. Control strong outbursts and try to remain calm – especially when bad behaviour occurs. Counting to 10 before responding to a child can be a great way to help diffuse emotions, before speaking them out.
When talking to children, be clear with instructions and confident when delivering them. If a child can sense a lack of confidence in the way you speak to them, they will often do the opposite of what has been asked. The delivery of communication is important for mutual respect to occur.
The best way for your child to understand positive communication skills is to practice them! Whether it’s talking about a book you’re reading together, or role playing as you play together, there are lots of subtle activities to help your child improve his or her communications in a positive way.
The way you speak to children not only reflects your character, but also leads by example. Children will imitate the behaviour they see. Be assertive when communicating, so your child can learn to be assertive when communicating with others.
At Little Scholars, we pride ourselves on maintaining respectful and positive communication with children at all times. Discover how we can help your little one express their full potential. Contact Us.
At Little Scholars School of Early Learning, we’re dedicated to shaping bright futures and instilling a lifelong passion for learning. With our strategically located childcare centres in Brisbane and the Gold Coast, we provide tailored educational experiences designed to foster your child’s holistic development.
Let us hold your hand and help looking for a child care centre. Leave your details with us and we’ll be in contact to arrange a time for a ‘Campus Tour’ and we will answer any questions you might have!
Let us hold your hand and help looking for a child care centre. Leave your details with us and we’ll be in contact to arrange a time for a ‘Campus Tour’ and we will answer any questions you might have!
