But from a developmental perspective, a blog shared by Early Childhood Australia confirms that lying in young children is rarely cause for concern.

From the ECA blog: “lying is often one of the first signs a young child has developed a “theory of mind”, which is the awareness others may have different desires, feelings, and beliefs to oneself. When a child misleadingly claims “Daddy said I could have an ice cream”, they’re using this awareness of others’ minds to plant false knowledge.”

Children can start lying by the time they start stringing sentences together, between the ages of two and four. The tales they tell may get more elaborate from the age of roughly four and up, as they start to understand what may be more likely to be believed, as their understanding of how others might think and interpret what they say gets more sophisticated.

But the reason behind the lies could also be far less sinister than you think it might be.

Perhaps, your child is just looking to be seen. It might be that they’re feeling invisible to you, and to really get your attention, to get you to make a big deal out of something in their lives, they need to make their story bigger. It can be easier for adults to think their problems, concerns and issues are so much bigger and more important than a child’s, but important to whom? 

To get an understanding of some of the potential reasons for what’s happening in males, what we can do now, we spoke to Dean Cooper, the program manager for White Ribbon Australia, a not-for-profit global social movement working to stop men’s violence against women.  The organisation’s mission is to strive for a society where all women and children are safe. November is White Ribbon Month in Australia, we encourage you to visit the White Ribbon Australia website and contribute if you can.

Dean also happens to be the proud dad of two little boys, one of whom is pictured with Dean in the top photo and attends Little Scholars. We’re thrilled to have Dean’s expertise on this important topic.

Could you please tell us about your role at White Ribbon Australia?

I design programs for high schools and workplaces on domestic violence (DV), masculinity, respectful relationships, consent, etc. Secondary to my role at White Ribbon Australia, I am an ambassador for the innerBoy app which is an app assisting men to heal from trauma and get support for any mental health challenges they are facing.

How did you get involved in this important work?

Well, originally I wanted to play Rugby Union professionally, however that didn’t work out, so I studied criminology and undertook a career in corrections, conducting assessments on people who committed offences of all kinds. I began to focus solely on working with men and fathers who used violence, and about seven years ago I started facilitating men’s behavioural change programs for men being released from prison for DV offences. Quite alarmingly, what I learnt was a lot of behaviour I engaged in within sporting environments, such as sexist jokes, violent chants, and street harassment on nights out, actually made their way into these programs, and condoned or supported a lot of problematic beliefs these men who were using violence had. It was my full circle journey to realising that not all disrespect leads to violence, but all violence starts with disrespect. I’ve decided to stick with this work and found a passion for it as I think it’s important that those who are being disrespectful or choosing to use violence receive counter narratives from culture to say these behaviours aren’t okay.

What has made you so passionate about ensuring we raise kind, respectful boys?

I am passionate about the role men play in shaping children, especially boys, and have a desire to see every father role-modelling safe and respectful behaviour. I truly believe safe, engaged, and present fathers can positively impact our future generations and are the solution for the social issues we see today. Unfortunately, what I’ve learned in this work is that a lot of men either didn’t have positive role models growing up, or look around at music, TV, movies, pornography, social media, etc. and have no mainstream examples of what positive, safe, and effective fathering looks like. It’s my passion to create spaces for men to learn what fathering means and how we role model respect, equality, and safety.

The most important question: what could parents, especially of little boys, do now to ensure they’re raising kind, respectful human beings?

There isn’t much at such a young age that we can ‘teach’ in that formal sense. Children will learn from observing so it’s important we role model more than try and teach. I’ll just provide my own strategies.

One thing I am trying to personally do is role model accountability. If my son says something like ‘that makes me sad’ or ‘I don’t like it’ if I am playing, or implementing a boundary I try to talk to him about why it upsets him and validate his feelings. I also role model saying ‘sorry’. Likewise, with my wife I make a purposeful attempt to apologise for things and role model what it’s like to get it wrong and change my mind. It’s crucial to show we don’t always have the answers, we are going to make mistakes, but we can always acknowledge our impact and make amends. 

I try to hold myself proactively accountable as well. As adults, we know when we haven’t done our best work. If we are distracted on our phone when our child tries to engage us, or if we snap at them for not doing something we asked, or if they are talking and we interrupt with something else. We can proactively hold ourselves accountable, I try to say ‘son, when you were talking then I realise I wasn’t fully listening and I am sorry, what you have to say is important and I recognise by not listening I didn’t show that.’ 

“I also believe we play a huge role in teaching our boys to regulate their emotions. We seem to be better at comforting girls or more accepting of their emotions. In terms of our boys, we need to shift from correction to connection.”

Another, ‘I’m sorry I yelled before, it’s my responsibility to stay calm and I didn’t do that, it wasn’t my intention to make you upset but I realise it did, I am sorry for that and next time I am going to do better.’ If I see my son be unkind to someone in the playground or at kindy drop off, I try use those moments to ask him what he thinks the impacts were and how we can make amends. For example, ‘I saw when you took those two toys and didn’t give one to Johnny. Look at Johnny now, does he look happy or sad? Johnny looks sad and I think it’s because he doesn’t have a toy, can you help me find a way for Johnny to have a toy too?’ and layer that in with an apology for not sharing. Taking those steps to encourage my son to see the impact they have on others, be comfortable with reflecting on what they’ve done, and how to repair. That’s how we start to shape kind, reflective, and safe boys.

At least once a week, I try:

 1. Admit a mistake I made

2. Share what I learnt about that mistake

 3. Ask for help. 

This is how we mark ourselves as a psychologically safe person. If we can role model getting it wrong, learning from that, and being willing to accept help, we role model that we are a safe person to hold accountable, we’ll treat their mistakes with empathy and understanding, and it’s okay to make mistakes. If we can mark ourselves as safe people by role modeling this, then we normalise recognising the impacts we have on others and repairing those. I just never want my children to hide something from me because they felt like they couldn’t tell me. I don’t want them to say ‘I made a mistake don’t tell Dad’ and instead say ‘I made a mistake I have to tell Dad.’ That’s the goal.

I also believe we play a huge role in teaching our boys to regulate their emotions. We seem to be better at comforting girls or more accepting of their emotions. In terms of our boys, we need to shift from correction to connection. Again, I think we need to role model this and talk about when we are frustrated, sad, disappointed, happy etc. I speak with a lot of dads who openly state at times they’ve been sad or angry, their children will ask ‘Daddy, are you okay?’ and they respond ‘Yeah, I am fine’ when they really aren’t. Children are these perfect little emotional barometers and what we actually do in that moment is not protect them from any negative feelings, but lie to them and tell them their sense of emotions was wrong. Instead, I try and role model ‘Daddy is feeling sad right now, thanks for noticing and asking if I am okay. When I feel sad I like to find an activity that makes me happy or find Mummy and give her a big cuddle.’ It’s important we teach boys to recognise their emotions, deal with them, and implement strategies to cope.

Physical affection is so important. As a guy growing up I always heard about this ‘tough love’ approach to parenting and the whole ‘just wait till your Dad gets home’ disciplinary role we were supposed to play. In my career, I’ve worked with a lot of men who have poor emotional regulation or traumatic backgrounds and they all report a lack of being told they are good enough and to be embraced. We do some exercises in prison groups where the men outline what they wish they had more of as children, all of it comes back to being told they were of value just as they were, and wishing they were shown love more.

Thank you, Dean, we’re so appreciative to have your insight!